5 Signs You’re a Coffee Snob

 

If you’re reading this—well, you probably know where this is going… eghhh awkward.

You’re a coffee snob.

And it’s okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

We all know someone who can’t just enjoy a cup of coffee without dissecting its roast level, origin, and whether the beans were caressed by a slight mountain breeze at harvest. That person might be you.

We’ve crossed paths with plenty of coffee aficionados in our time. If any of the following symptoms sound familiar, well… hate to break it to you, but you’re probably a coffee snob.

1. You Won't Be Caught Dead in a Chain Café

There’s a Starbucks on every corner, and you dodge them like hot lava. To you, the idea of ordering a “Venti” anything is as offensive as putting ketchup on a steak. It’s small, independent shops or bust. You’d rather hike it across town to support a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop with questionable seating and apathetic service but top-tier espresso than step foot in a chain establishment.

2. The Thought of Putting Milk in Brewed Coffee Makes You Cringe

Black. That’s the only way coffee should be drunk, right? If someone pours cold milk into their drip coffee, you have to resist the urge to let out an audible gasp. “You’re…you’re ruining it,” you think, watching helplessly as the beautiful black nectar is sullied by dairy.

You might explain to your less-enlightened friends that adding milk or cream covers up the nuances of the coffee’s flavor profile. “You can’t taste the cherry notes if you dump in half a cup of oat milk,” you’ll say, knowing full well they’re going to keep doing it anyway.

For you, the purer, the better. And don’t even get started on flavored syrups. That’s a rant for another day.

3. You Have Strong Opinions on Grind Size (And You'll Tell Anyone Who'll Listen)

If there’s one thing you love to talk about, it’s grind size. You can launch into a passionate, five-minute lecture about why a coarse grind is essential for French press, or how a fine grind is a must for espresso. Your grinder? It’s the crown jewel of your kitchen. You’ve probably researched it for hours before purchasing, ensuring it was a burr grinder and not (heaven forbid) a blade one.

Your friends roll their eyes when you start explaining how even the slightest change in grind size can ruin a cup. If you walk into a café and see the barista using a grinder that isn’t perfectly dialed in, your day is ruined.

4. You Know Your Beans by Name and Region

When someone asks, “So, what coffee are we drinking?” you don’t just say “Brazilian.” You’ll reply with something like, “Oh, this is an organic, shade-grown single-origin from the Minas Gerais region in Brazil. You can really taste the chocolate and nutty undertones, with a hint of orange zest.” Your friends might stare blankly, but you know deep down that you’re just doing your part to educate the world.

5. You Own More Coffee Gear Than Kitchen Appliances

Let’s face it—your coffee setup looks like a mad scientist’s lab. You’ve got the Chemex, AeroPress, French press, pour-over dripper, Moka pot, espresso machine, milk frother, and more coffee scales than you care to admit.

You can’t just make coffee. No, you craft it. Measuring the exact amount of beans, timing the brew with Olympic-level precision, and getting the water temperature just right. You’ve got this down to an art form, and anyone who dares to use a Keurig in your presence is instantly disowned.

So, Are You a Coffee Snob?

If you’ve made it this far and found yourself nodding along to most (if not all) of these signs, congratulations—you’re definitely a coffee snob. In the world of coffee, being picky just means you care. You’ve developed a taste for the finer things, and you know what? We respect that.

So go ahead, be proud of your coffee geek status. And remember, there’s no shame in demanding the best—just maybe try to keep the rant about grind size to under 10 minutes at the next dinner party.

Until then, grab a fresh bag from Rootless and keep brewing.