Coffee Puns: Rootless Roasts Our 10 Least Favorite Coffee Puns
Before we get into coffee puns, let’s walk you through your morning leading to them. Your alarm goes off, you try to hit your phone to shut it up, then you fall out of bed and onto a pizza box you don’t remember being there. The phone shrieks slightly louder 4-5 more times before you can hit it with a hammer. This is your morning, every morning. You wipe the crust out of your eyes, then the literal pizza crust off your shirt, throw on a hat and it’s out the door.
Coffee shop salvation is only a short drive away. No talkie, just a cup of existential dread delayer waiting for you. There’s only one person in front of you in line (because we all know it’s somehow quicker than going to the drive thru) and your boi Micah with a mustache isn’t there. It’s someone named Tammy with a big smiley face written on her name tag. Oh God.
You order your usual medium roast coffee with a little splash of soy milk, Tammy charges you, then before finishing the transaction, there’s a pause and a smile. No. Please. Don’t. Oh boy, here it comes. “Thank you SOY much for your order.”
Tammy is so proud of herself for bringing a little cheer to your morning. You’re barely existing and trying not to internally scream. And now you have to live with THAT. Coffee puns, man.
While you’re here, let’s help you take the power back with the best of the worst coffee puns so you can beat everyone to the punch.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. Wow, so original. It’s just changing the word espresso. DO BETTER, PEOPLE. We’ve heard this one a few thousand times as baristas, but weirdly… from the same person? Also… we all kinda are depresso if we chose to get into coffee.
You Need To Espresso Yourself
At least we know there’s No X In Espresso.
Thanks A Latte
Why do we drink black coffee? To avoid this one. No, it’s not a latte. It’s just coffee. There’s no steamed milk or iced deliciousness here. Why? We’re scarred. Tammy and Co. dropped this bomb on us at 6am when we had to get ready for work a few hundo times. We get it, we really do, but come on.
Words Cannot Espresso How Much You Bean To Me
There’s a lot to unpack here, guys. First, did you know coffee isn’t actually a bean? It’s a seed from a coffee fruit. We’d love to start seeing you ruin someone’s day with that. And also, espresso doesn’t need words. Just enjoy it in silence. Savor the flavor, the aroma, and plop those AirPod Pros in. Coffee puns can be creepy too when it’s from a stranger.
I Love You So Matcha
*pushes up glasses* Well, matcha isn’t coffee. So. Let’s stick with coffee puns, ya jerk.
Wake Up And Grind (Coffee)
Listen to me, Gary Vee, Rootless offers pre-ground options for French Press, Drip Coffee, Pour Over Coffee and even Whole Bean. You don’t have to grind all the time. Coffee should be for enjoying yourself, getting back to zero, and phasing out when it needs to. NOT FUELING THE CAPITALISM MACHINE, BRO. Whoa. Sorry.
Don’t Worry, Be Frappe
Hmm. Don’t get me started on blended drinks. I still have nightmare of that Unicorn one… but we don’t need to get into that. I think there’s a swearing quota on here. How about coffee puns that talk just about coffee things. Please?
Java Nice Day
Does anyone want to spontaneously combust when people say “Java” instead of coffee? It’s like saying “freebie” there’s just something that crosses the dad threshold a liiiiitle too much. But coffee puns trace back centuries ago to a dad discovering how to upset his kids.
Hands Up! You’re Under A-Roast!
This one seems funny, but have you ever had a 150 pound bag of coffee fall on you? Have you ever had your friends dump a bag of coffee (not a pot, thank god) over your head as a prank? Have you ever been arrested for “just seeing what your car could do” and the police didn’t understand, but your cold brew was still waiting in the cupholder and you couldn’t take it with you? Sorry. Some baggage is uncovering itself. Coffee puns!
Yeah, this one’s good.
Rootless condones being funny and having a good time. But when you’re living a Groundhog’s Day worklife and you get pounded with the same puns everyday—it adds up. Can you see my eye twitching? This one isn’t caffeine for once.
How about you stock up at home and make coffee the way you want?
Just brew you, boo boo.
(what the hell is happening to me)